What started as a single painting has evolved beyond singularity. As I age away from the years when my parents passed, I further expound on the ideas I had initially presented with The Time Machine. I find myself continuously challenged by the mere facts of my youth having veiled my understanding of reality while my built-in naivete delayed my personal liberation from my parents’ shortcomings. If I am to truly pursue this as a long-term passion project, I must be honest in admitting that the first version (the actual painting and presentation here of The Time Machine in its initial form) is an inaccurate representation of my Dad. Or at the very least, is too basic to confound the complexity of the situation. Greif has phases, my rosy phase has passed (for now? Ha!).
Loss and Grief are complicated and often rushed through without full processing. That is exactly what happened to me when creating this painting: I felt happiness and thought it was over, rushed to honor the deceased and overlooked the negative. Now I’m a little embarrassed because I’m essentially “walking back” the painting for inaccuracy, but this accountability is an important point for my own understanding of myself.
I am unsure of how this project will evolve. I do believe it to be a multi-piece exploration and discussion produced over the course of my personal journey to understand everything. I enjoy the idea of this being a somewhat public process - that exposure and vulnerability add to the overall zest of the project.
I will revisit in 2025 to consider starting a blog or blog-like presentation to stimulate the process.
If you have read any of this and have thoughts, please reach out to me. Sharing information is exactly what this project needs.
EDITED: September 2024
The Time Machine
Lessons I have learned about generational responsibility, realized through navigating life since his passing.
A Portrait of My Dad
62” x 54” x 1.5”
Oils on Stretched Canvas
March 2023
A song, a movie, a phrase, a food, a smell, any and every type of nuanced thing that evokes a memory is allowing us to travel through time and experience the past again. So much of my life is time traveling - keeping my dad alive. My endless curiosity about what happens to us when death takes us is powered by my constant reflection on the past. The comfort I feel when I recall lost loved ones is a cherished gift that assists me in pursuing my future. Celebrate life, especially in death.
Time passes. With loss we learn the meaning of our vitality, to teach one another; we see the effects of our causes, the impact of our individual decisions on one another as time moves forward. We reflect on our actions or lack of action, we learn, we move forward informed by our past, we shape our society in our decision-making, we shape our community in the same fashion. We are reminded of how fleeting life is when we experience loss. We feel the profoundness of the universe, the absolute truth of death. Death is THE most impressive teacher.
A durable, abrasive, and overpowering character, my dad was often judged by his intimidating appearance before being exposed as a deeply loving and encouraging individual. A man shaped by experience, as the sea endlessly shapes the earth. This cliff, as we observe it, aggressively shadowed in harsh contrast with its sunbathed surfaces; It is disastrously dark and unappealing. But, like many things in nature, the whole picture is hardly ever seen in one glance. Let your eyes adjust to the darkness, Viewers, give your physical body a chance to see the golden surfaces of the shade. The crooks and folds of earthly flesh, crumbling from the weather, receding away out of sight so as to hide from exposure. The faults and crags aging, unhealing, unseen, unwanted, unheard…but existent. Follow the brushstrokes to the soft warmth of the light, the vibrancy of such a lifegiving enigma as our sun. We are all shaped by the seas of our experiences, contributing to the striated layers of our human history.
A person atop the cliff is a projected essence of vitality in the form of an apparition for the viewer to reflect on in their own personal way. Whether it be a loved one they have lost, an important figure who could still be alive, themselves in a version of achievement or spiritual altruism, or a future generation overseeing an even more distant future generation; They are simply a reminder of how connected we are to these common personal experiences involving life and death, and of the generational responsibilities we have to each other and to ourselves individually. We are all time travelers in this sense.
We look up at this cliff, searching for its meaning as if in need of guidance. We see a person at the top whose presence stabilizes our gaze, so that we may continue looking up. Our time will come when it is our turn to view the cliff from such a tall and wise perspective, when others will look up to us for guidance. And we must stand up to this responsibility. This is the nature of time, a conveyer belt (machine) for passing responsibility on, teaching strength, providing stability and protection, keeping our heads up and our eyes open – as we make our ascents.
But what is it all for? There is no answer in the unknown, but with learning from the past and working toward the future - there lies the importance of what we are right now in the present.
